time to catch up.

The last year and a half has been pivotal. To catch up with you is to sum it up somehow, extract the lessons, and point to where exactly that places me now.

And to do that, it would mean that I’ve concluded it all by now.

In reality, I finally stop here to realize that it is time to catch my breath and consider all that’s happened. Wheels flying, scenery a blur, I let my heels down to catch the ground and shudder to a stop. Look around and see what neighborhood I’ve found myself in. Who and what is behind me, who and what is still beside me. What I might’ve picked up along the way.

This has been difficult because a peculiar pressure crept into the room— officially leaving my twenties behind. It’s not your ordinary year of reflection, it feels much bigger than that. And the need to know all of these things seems so much more dire. The last time I had a really good look at and within myself, I completely burned out on self help and introspection– around the time I last wrote here.

To be honest, the last few months I’ve felt displaced.

No cause for alarm. I am four months postpartum with my second child, Samson. In writing this, almost a year ago to the day, I found out I was pregnant. I met him in August, after a highly challenging pregnancy and just a couple months after wishing my first son, Benjamin, his 7th birthday.

(CW: next two paragraphs talk about postpartum anxiety, bleak thoughts)

Because of all the physical and mental turmoil I experienced in pregnancy, I never quite felt out of the woods with Sam. Even when the pregnancy stressors finally ended and he was here, in front of me. Exhausted out of my mind, I worked and worked to get him to sleep, over and over again, as you do with newborns— only to sit up with my mind racing, watching him. Waiting for him to wake again. I had to see for myself that he would. It was like a clump of panic was stuck down inside my body. At night, in the quiet, it swelled me full, like a balloon blown too tight. It seemed impossible to rest my mind for those first few months.

I’m so happy to be moving past it more and more now, slowly shrinking it away. I’m grateful to have the resources that have helped me through it. I’m happy to see him growing healthy and strong. I’m happy to see that he’s okay. And we’re okay. But what comes next as a family of four and a now mother of two? That’s a big question mark. That’s for me to explore with this time. I’m choosing my words thoughtfully. I’m taking it day by day, and I’m constantly reminding myself it’s an ongoing process.

I also left traditional employment over a year ago now, closer to two. Since, I have been stumbling through learning entrepreneurship and self employment as a full time, freelance content creator- while parenting, homemaking and being in school, off and on. I’ve worked diligently at content creation at every opportunity, and while I haven’t quite blown up yet, I’ve made great strides. I’ve had some cool opportunities. I’ve made some exciting professional connections. Here I really have to slow down and give myself the credit, because I tend to diminish, diminish, diminish. None of it came easy. Objectively, I am proud of myself.

After over a year churning out hundreds of short form videos- air light snacks for the social media algorithims, I do realize that I would like to pivot my approach and create differently with my limited time. You’re seeing that now with the blog! While I haven’t carved out every last detail, I’ve dusted off a long standing vision and began polishing. In my last post I talked about changes ahead.

Then, most recently, I turned 30. I realized that was it.

That was my twenties. Came and went. And it comes with a sense of odd closure, a willingness to finally lay the past to rest. A wisdom that is picking my battles much more sparingly. An inner protector that marches to the front when insecurity is running amuck. An acceptance of life’s mysterious nature. While I still struggle to fully let go, I’ve come to loosen my grip on the granular details. I’ve learned a lot, more than I think I am even fully conscious of right now, and it’s all still rumbling around my mind in no particular order. I just know I think and feel much differently now.

That’s one reason why I’m here again, to find my words. Because they’re the truth beneath the rubble. Because this is where I find my voice cutting through the noise of everything else. I’m here to sharpen and extract those just-out-of-focus lessons. To make a place for myself– where I hope others can feel deeply understood and cozy resting in aswell.

My greatest intention is to go beyond intention itself. To see this one thing that I know I want through. Please, feel free to hold me accountable!

You could say x,y, and z happened and now I’m here again, in the unknown. But equipped much differently than anytime before. I’m still taking inventory, replacing the batteries in my flashlight, and calibrating my inner compass. But that’s kind of the human condition, right? It’s so nice to have each others’ company.

Oh, how I’ve missed writing on the blog. I’m glad to be here. Thank you for taking a moment to catch up with me. Tell me your thoughts, or a 2023 takeaway of your own in the comments below!

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Thank you for your support !

-K