Well, hello there.
It’s been half a year since my last post and I really, really want to get this blog moving again. Because it’s been so long, it’s been that much harder to get the words down. Between figuring out where to start back up, what exactly to say for myself, or if I should just get back into topic as if the last six months of total silence here didn’t happen, it’s been tricky to find my flow.
I sort of lost my writing flow altogether. I have hardly been writing- even for myself lately, aside from scattered journal entries and iphone notes to help me shake off the heavier days. As a writer, I’m keenly aware of this type of silence and it’s bothered me as well. The longer I wait to get back into it, the more I intimidate myself out of doing it at all. At this point, I figure done is better than perfect, and we really just need to get the ice broken here and get back into motion. I’m so happy to talk to you all again. You’ll have to pardon the verbal vomit of a post this is, but I feel a need to get us level before diving back in.
Honestly- I feel like I keep trying to balance all of these platforms where I embody different parts of myself, with different audiences and interests, and one always seems to get left behind in the rotation. Left to get an awkward “life update” post after several months. I’m not thrilled to say the latest platform has been the blog here, but know there is a reason I’m back.
Despite this weird avoidance I have with it at times, I truly love writing, so much it hurts sometimes. And I love cutting through the superficial bullshit of the internet and refreshing myself and others with a place to be unapologetically and authentically human. Even though this outlet moves more slowly as far as visibility or any sort of validation, I’m in a place now where I know that’s not what’s most important. The gratification here is not instant, but it is deep and uniquely beautiful. I feel the most at home here.
I never meant to take a break. I never meant to take such an extended break. But, looking back- I left the breadcrumbs. I was burning out, I was questioning healthy levels of tolerance, and I was struggling with consistency— not just here, but on every platform and place in life I offered my output. Soon it became too much. Too much to even find the time to talk about, let alone articulate, edit and post, and I collapsed into myself in an emergency act of self-preservation.
In the last six months, I left my job to (for the first time since I was 14 years old,) just go to school. We can talk more about this later, but long story short- The nature and experience of my newer role wasn’t sustainable, and it was not what I originally thought it would be. I felt as though everything I’ve learned about boundaries, taking up after myself, and protecting what’s most important in my life was put to the question: are you going to live in these new healthy understandings and personal values, or are you going to be pushed back into full-on survival mode for this job?
In my heart of hearts- I really feel like God was behind the whole thing. I try not to harp on the concept of “life purpose” anymore, it comes with a heavy sense of permanency and pressure that can feel more paralyzing than inspiring at times, but I do feel like God put my back against that wall for a reason. I do not have all the answers yet, but I am steadily ruling out what is not meant for me. At a glance, it might look or feel like loss after loss, especially when the idea of something doesn’t pan out as planned, but I believe this ruling out and shedding is what people mean when they say “falling forward.” Each time I muster the courage to walk away from what is not right for me, I get closer to what is.
Not working a traditional full-time job for the first time since I was a literal child, has been the first break I’ve had- maybe ever, to just be with myself and my life like I never have before. I am learning how to exist without being an employee. I am learning how to create a schedule and a cadence to my life that does not center a corporation that needs me to complete specific tasks, at specific times, to predetermined standards. I am learning how to maintain a sense of worthiness even though I am not “proving” my worth via the assembly line, people-pleasing, and capitalistic ways I always have. I’ve gone through and continue to go through so many different emotional waves and thoughts since I left, but I know it was necessary.
Then, as many of you know, my classes were never the only thing on my plate. I am a mother and a partner, so I’ve been trying to hone in on that- keep the house cleaner, cook more, be more present for them, and learn to embrace some stillness at home. (All things I’ve wanted to be able to do for a long time.)
I’ve also had a chance to delve into my content creating with more freedom and time to be consistent and focused. That has been working out generally well, I have had a lot of cool opportunities come up (below a couple of exciting videos produced for commercial brands,) that have affirmed my hard work and dedication. I’ve been chipping away at it- mostly content in the beauty realm on instagram, but that platform has proven to be a really steep, slippery hill to climb. I made a tiktok. Youtube got it’s own “life update” post recently. Now I’ve finally made my way back here.
Making something out of my writing, professionally, is a long-game type of project. It’s much different than doing my makeup on camera and adding a catchy song, or quickly talking about my favorite products. It asks so much more of me. My writing is closest to my heart and who I am, and one of the most long-standing aspirations I’ve ever had. But admittedly, it is also the most mentally challenging, and is often the scariest to pursue, produce and share.
But I don’t get any closer to it when I avoid it. It’s important to practice. It’s important to continue speaking my mind. It’s important to continue using and developing my voice.
I really appreciate you all, and I’m so thankful you’ve allowed me the space to step away and take care of myself. I hope you’ve been doing the same and are having a good 2022 so far, despite everything going on in the world. Be ready for some new posts to roll out in the near future! I also want to get some beauty blogs (a shorter, sweeter post style,) up along with the wellness ones. My goal is to build the website out into a multi-dimensional place, that’s flexible to many parts of a whole person’s quality of life and confidence. Somewhere all my interests can live together in wholesome, quality content. Topic requests are always welcome if you’d like to see anything specific!
If you’d like to show some support and consume these topics in other visual and conversational ways, be sure to follow me on my social channels!