2021 has been fast and surreal.
In 2020, I feel as though many of us were shaken. I experienced some big personal growth shifts- a lot of fundamental beliefs that I had around myself and the world were questioned and then changed, and despite the unfamiliarity, discomfort, and lingering self-limitations I held, I entered 2021 trying my best to allow these mentality changes to make their way through my body, my actions, and my life.
And it’s been insane to witness myself doing things that I would previously disqualify myself to do. It’s been surreal to hear and see myself saying yes to opportunities I would otherwise steal away from myself out of fear of failure. Saying yes and doing these things hasn’t removed those fears at all. It propels me directly into them. To look at them, eye to eye. To measure my height against theirs. To touch them, shove them, stick my fingers into them and see what they are made of. Though I’ve been trembling each time, I continue to do this. Because my mind has always made them so much bigger than they are, and as long as I’d let myself exaggerate them, the longer I would be standing back. The longer I will keep the distance between where I am and where I want to be, all because I am unwilling to cross through the woods to get there. I have spent years trying to find another way, but there is not.
I intended this year to be slower, less eventful. I had suddenly felt the weight of everything I had been carrying for so long and I declared my need for rest. I said to myself, it’s okay to accomplish things slowly. It’s okay to stop wringing out all of your personal time, servicing others and searching for hyper productivity. It’s okay for this to be a quiet year. I wanted to tuck myself away for a while, reemerge only when I fully reached this next form.
But I couldn’t help myself. I want to want. I dream. I need to move. So the blog came about. I stepped up my commitments again. Thankfully to say, as expected, my movement yielded results. And I love the taste of winning. But I get tired of living in a state of severe complication. I am in a web of things at any given time. I keep looking up when it’s all caving in on me, and wondering how the hell I got here. Life is a balance of a million variables. I guess I am making some connections, but I haven’t put it all together yet. And that’s fair. It’s still early for me.
With that said, I did many things right, too. And I am so grateful for this blog, and so proud of the human behind it. There are so many good things I have created in my chaos. I am learning new ways to do everything. It is not easy, but I’m good for it. Give me time.
I am recalibrating again. Seasons change, I follow. August is for protecting who I am becoming, and being kind to who I currently am. No more motivating myself with pressure and shame. It’s mean. It’s wrong. It’s unnecessary. August is for remembering, returning to, and protecting the necessary things.
Here are some reminders and affirmations while you keep on keeping on:
I hope there is something in these august notes that might resonate with you and gently nudge you back on track if you have lingered like I have. Check in with yourself and come back to what is good and necessary to you. Do you have any reminders or affirmations to add?